#FreeLucious, Chris Rock is a Bad Guy, Kill Him and Make it Loud and Make It Long and If You Don’t, I’m Tellin’ Momma #Empire #EmpireSeason2 #PremiereWeek
All pictures courtesy of FOX
Whoa! So. Much. Drama! Empire returned for its season two premiere tonight, bringing more drama than your high school theatre teacher. More drama than that one time you took your cousin’s favorite toy from him because you thought it was going to be a hilarious joke and he ended up breaking your favorite CD/mixtape of romance songs, and you were the one that ended up crying. You know you loved them songs. Your first crush made that tape for you. Now you’re all in your feelings talkin’ about how he overreacted. Yeah, it was that intense.
First off, as if the night couldn’t get any more racially-charged with Black-ish doing their thing over on ABC, these fools right here had Cookie hopping around in a cage dressed in a gorilla costume. I just almost lost everything. They’re lowering her down onto a summer jam-esque stage so she can make some BS speech about how they need to free Lucious because he didn’t kill this guy she knows he clearly did. After that, they ran through a string of cameos that showed everybody from old, crusty Pimp Reverend Al Sharpton and his graying slick-back to a meatier-looking Don Lemon who took time away from his busy schedule of being yelled at in the streets by ticked off black people. To top it all off they brought out the new Aunt May, Marisa Tomei, to play a lesbian hot for Cookie’s drawers. And that was all before the first commercial break. I mean... I just... can’t!
Then we switched into prison where Lucious is apparently enjoying himself. Nothing bad has happened, he looks like he’s eating good and he’s even watching TV, catching the concert given in his honor to get him out of jail. Yet, he still has all the venom and piss of a rich black man behind bars as evidenced by his meeting with a future black attorney general. Not distracted by her overwhelming cleavage, this negro went after her shoes. Cheap shoes? You really had to point out she had on some cheap shoes? That’s a low blow, bruh. Side note: You know those shoes was cheap as hell. They didn’t even show them, so you know she got her some of those two dollar Payless shoes, the same kind Star Jones used to lie and say she wore. She knew dang well she wasn’t wearin’ no Payless shoes, especially when she was heavy. Those shoes be exploded right off her feet the moment she stepped out of the store, leave her leaning sideways like Gumby’s head.
Meanwhile, as Jamal is trying to run Empire Records and his brother is preparing for his album release, Cookie has been secretly plotting to buy a majority stake in the company and lined up a secondary investor in Tomei’s character to fork over 250 million. Why they think Lucious won’t find out, I don’t know. Naturally the deal is undercut by Lucious who makes her a better offer to stay in charge of Empire, thwarting the hostile takeover. He’s still running everything from the inside. This fool should have gone to prison a long time ago.
Then, this business with Frank Gathers, the big dog, the feared one, the man that runs the streets... uh, Chris Rock? Wait, you mean Everybody Hates Chris grew into a gangster? OK. I thought it would be comical that he was supposed to be the big baddy, but you know what... Chris actually... really didn’t convince me I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong, he did a great job but I just couldn’t fear him, not that I can never see him as anything other than a comic, I just couldn’t see him as a non-whiny Pookie (New Jack City reference? Check.) On top of that, he was apparently supposed to be a cannibal. Yeah. Take that in for a minute. Any lip-licking and crazy-eyed stares weren’t just because he was mad, but because he was hungry. Last time I checked, the main thing other than real food that they eat in men’s prisons is—you know what? We don’t even have to go there. I’m sure you can figure it out.
With this fool sending Cookie people’s heads in boxes from prison, something had to be done and Lucious had to do it. And do it he did. After hearing old boy’s daughter rapping at a prison visit, he promised not only to sign her to Empire records but give her his magic stick too. Damn! Will he won’t. Won’t he will? Ha ha ha, I have no idea what the hell that even means, but it’s definitely some words they used tonight.
The Lyon he is, Lucious bothered not with cheap roaring words but beat the cannibal to the first bite, ordering him to be killed “loud... and long” in what had to be the prison cafeteria. Fare-thee-well Frank Gathers. We hardly knew ye.
The takeover failed and the family safe from harm, Jamal acted like a true don (read: new puppet of his father) when he kicked his entire family out of Lucious’ house and his mother gave him the two-slap for good measure. And to top it all off, Empire finally upgraded their Becky wig budget. Thank god, because those raggedy wigs they had been giving her looked like they were Miss Piggy rejects. We all need to hold on to our wigs, because this season looks to be an electrifying and exhilarating ride.
What did you think? Did Empire near wear you out with all the drama tonight? Will you still have enough left to get through Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder tomorrow? Are you still loving the cameos by every black star currently walking the face of the earth? Or do you find yourself already going through withdraws and it’s only been a few hours? Let me know what you think in the comments below. Hint: click where it reads “no comments” to comment.
As always, check out my books on Amazon (if you’re looking for Halloween scares check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen). For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The final episode of season one of The Writer is coming this Friday. All other 14 episodes are out now available exclusively on Amazon. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to my blog.
Until next time, Miss Boo Boo Kitty gets an A for effort.
P.S. OK, so that is not a perfect sign-off for every single post I do, but it works here. Man, has that light-skinned Betty’s hoe-ishness reached critical mass yet? But she can still walk around in all that white and pastel colors like she on her way to her virginal wedding night or a Memorial Day barbecue? Girl, stop.Amazon
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