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Monday, September 28, 2015

Dark Swan is in the town, there’s some evil goin’ down, The Wicked Witch is wearin’ a frown and, uh... you know, some other rhyming stuff. #OnceUponATime #DarkSwan #PremiereWeek

Dark Swan is in the town, there’s some evil goin’ down, The Wicked Witch is wearin’ a frown and, uh... you know, some other rhyming stuff. #OnceUponATime #DarkSwan #PremiereWeek

All pictures courtesy of ABC.

OK, it’s taken me a while to come down off the Once Upon A Time (#OUAT) high I’ve been on and that’s not counting out the rush that I got from Blood and Oil (get it! Because it’s black gold. Gold rush?) and the mind freaking I got from Quantico (again, I’ll be doing a review of the first three episodes together for new shows but they had to kill the Mormon guy? Really?). No, OUAT made its triumphant return in a big way, and giving us plenty of flair and mysteries to solve for the first half of the season or longer. So let’s rewind the tape and figure out where we left off last.

For viewers that remember (and here’s a refresher post I did last year), we left off with the apprentice—not Donald Trump’s latest chosen celebrity minion but the sorcerer’s—lying in bed after a tussle with the dark one/Rumplestiltskin and the writer along with the other three villains of the season. Rumple didn’t come out of that too well as he was already dying because of the blackness in his own heart finally catching up with him. He subsequently fell into a coma. A little bit of shifting back and forth with Regina caused Emma Swan to have to take on the gravity of the infamous dagger of the Dark One. She was then magically consumed by a dark smoke and disappeared as her name emblazoned onto the blade as the new dark one equal in evil with Rumple. Dun! Dun! Dunnnnnnn!

OK, we all set? That wasn’t everything but it was enough of a jumping off point. In the land of fairy tales and make-believe crafted by OUAT, everything has a past, a story by which it came to be what we see it as. The dagger is no different as it was revealed that back in the day it served as the tip of the legendary sword in the stone. That’s right, the magical blade that only the chosen one could touch had its tip broken off before being plunged into the stone, and somehow wound up as the only controlling string to puppet the most malevolent force on the face of the earth. Questions? Hells yeah, but we’ll move on for now.

We found out that Emma wound up in the other realm of the fairy tales, somewhere very near to Camelot but in the middle of the woods. It’s the enchanted forest. Everything is woods. She runs into that redheaded girl from the movie Brave a few years back. Merida or Mereda—don’t really know as I didn’t care much for the movie. Just know that her name sounds like somebody started to say Meredith but then added a duh on the end to make it sound like some cool high school cliquish diss from the late 80s early 90s, which, frankly makes me wanna gag on a spoon but I’m getting off track. She says some stuff about a war amongst the kingdoms, her brothers have been kidnapped, her father’s dead and people don’t like it when women rule in her land. Then she grabs hold of this magical wisp thing that will show her the way to whatever her heart most desires if she whispers into it what she wants at what looks like a makeshift Stonehenge (it was in the Brave movie. Don’t worry about it). Problem is, you can only use this thing once and Emma needed to use it to find Merlin to free her from the curse of being the dark one. Still keeping up? Good.

As Emma weighs her options of if to kill the girl and steal the blue wish smoke or not, back in Storybrooke her clan of goody-two-shoes followers plot on how to find her and help her. Not as good as they think they are, Hook (her love) and her son Henry (she has a thing for guy’s with names that start with H) plot to make the wicked witch of the west (yeah, Dorothy’s witch) open a portal to another realm they can Stargate into and end up back in fairy tale land. Foolishly, they let her escape where she gets the wand given to the do-gooders by the apprentice to open the realm, because opening portals to other worlds isn’t easy.

Tricking the wicked witch, they get her to open the portal, re-capture her, jump through and stop Emma from making her second terrible mistake as the dark one as she decided to kill redhead. Regina the evil queen who is no longer evil nor a queen along with Snow White and Prince Charming, a few dwarves granny Robin Hood—everybody, really—wind up invited to Camelot when King Arthur rides up on his horse and goes all Bill and Ted talking about some prophecy Merlin made and how they had been waiting for them to arrive. Merlin there? Nope. And so the quest begins, right? You’re wrong again. That’s two for two. As would be expected with any show that is clearly already confusing enough, they jumped ahead six weeks to reveal the gang had returned to Storybrooke wearing Camelot garb and Emma had embraced her role as dark one. She showed up all Neo from the Matrix-like with tightly bunned hair and lines like, “I’m the dark one.” Honestly, it made me a little hot. It’s also 75 degrees in my house right now so... yeah.

Loaded episode? You bet, buddy! And I didn’t even mention the fact that Regina had charge of Emma’s dagger for two seconds, Snow White and Charming took the baby with them into the forest (because that’s the perfect place for a baby), Emma’s dark side manifests itself as Rumple to make her look crazy talking to herself and Black Lancelot is back (#BlackLancelot). It’s going to be a crazy season and just like everything else I get excited for, I can’t wait. If only the Super Blood Moon had been this satisfying rather than the cloudy sky blocking it out for me. Sigh!

What did you think? Did you expect the six week jump? Are you excited to see Dark Swan? Do you think she should have killed Mere-duh? And what’s with that whole Excalibur’s tip being the dagger’s blade thing? Mind-bottling, right? My mind was literally put into a bottle. Let me know what you think in the comments below.

As always, check out my books on Amazon (if you’re looking for Halloween scares check #AFuriousWind#DARKER#BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen). For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The final episode of season one of The Writer is OUT NOW. Ahh! That’s right, all 15 episodes are out now available exclusively on Amazon. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to my blog.

Until next time, don’t hate Emma. As we all learned from Joe on Bachelor In Paradise, Villain’s gotta Vill, man. Villain’s gotta Vill. ”

P.S. Alright, admittedly I used up just about all of my cleverness quota for the week on that Empire recap, but that sign-off totally works here. I’ll keep working on it.

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