Dark Swan is in the town, there’s
some evil goin’ down, The Wicked Witch is wearin’ a frown and,
uh... you know, some other rhyming stuff. #OnceUponATime #DarkSwan #PremiereWeek
All pictures courtesy of ABC.
OK, it’s taken me a while to come
down off the Once Upon A Time (#OUAT) high I’ve been on and that’s
not counting out the rush that I got from Blood and Oil (get it!
Because it’s black gold. Gold rush?) and the mind freaking I got
from Quantico (again, I’ll be doing a review of the first three
episodes together for new shows but they had to kill the Mormon guy?
Really?). No, OUAT made its triumphant return in a big way, and
giving us plenty of flair and mysteries to solve for the first half
of the season or longer. So let’s rewind the tape and figure out
where we left off last.
For viewers that remember (and here’s
a refresher post I did last year), we left off with the
apprentice—not Donald Trump’s latest chosen celebrity minion but
the sorcerer’s—lying in bed after a tussle with the dark
one/Rumplestiltskin and the writer along with the other three
villains of the season. Rumple didn’t come out of that too well as
he was already dying because of the blackness in his own heart
finally catching up with him. He subsequently fell into a coma. A
little bit of shifting back and forth with Regina caused Emma Swan to
have to take on the gravity of the infamous dagger of the Dark One.
She was then magically consumed by a dark smoke and disappeared as
her name emblazoned onto the blade as the new dark one equal in evil
with Rumple. Dun! Dun! Dunnnnnnn!
OK, we all set? That wasn’t
everything but it was enough of a jumping off point. In the land of
fairy tales and make-believe crafted by OUAT, everything has a past,
a story by which it came to be what we see it as. The dagger is no
different as it was revealed that back in the day it served as the
tip of the legendary sword in the stone. That’s right, the magical
blade that only the chosen one could touch had its tip broken off
before being plunged into the stone, and somehow wound up as the only
controlling string to puppet the most malevolent force on the face of
the earth. Questions? Hells yeah, but we’ll move on for now.
We found out that Emma wound up in the
other realm of the fairy tales, somewhere very near to Camelot but in
the middle of the woods. It’s the enchanted forest. Everything is
woods. She runs into that redheaded girl from the movie Brave a few
years back. Merida or Mereda—don’t really know as I didn’t care
much for the movie. Just know that her name sounds like somebody
started to say Meredith but then added a duh on the end to make it
sound like some cool high school cliquish diss from the late 80s
early 90s, which, frankly makes me wanna gag on a spoon but I’m
getting off track. She says some stuff about a war amongst the
kingdoms, her brothers have been kidnapped, her father’s dead and
people don’t like it when women rule in her land. Then she grabs
hold of this magical wisp thing that will show her the way to
whatever her heart most desires if she whispers into it what she
wants at what looks like a makeshift Stonehenge (it was in the Brave
movie. Don’t worry about it). Problem is, you can only use this
thing once and Emma needed to use it to find Merlin to free her from
the curse of being the dark one. Still keeping up? Good.
As Emma weighs her options of if to
kill the girl and steal the blue wish smoke or not, back in
Storybrooke her clan of goody-two-shoes followers plot on how to find
her and help her. Not as good as they think they are, Hook (her love)
and her son Henry (she has a thing for guy’s with names that start
with H) plot to make the wicked witch of the west (yeah, Dorothy’s
witch) open a portal to another realm they can Stargate into and end
up back in fairy tale land. Foolishly, they let her escape where she
gets the wand given to the do-gooders by the apprentice to open the
realm, because opening portals to other worlds isn’t easy.
Tricking the wicked witch, they get her
to open the portal, re-capture her, jump through and stop Emma from
making her second terrible mistake as the dark one as she decided to
kill redhead. Regina the evil queen who is no longer evil nor a queen
along with Snow White and Prince Charming, a few dwarves granny Robin
Hood—everybody, really—wind up invited to Camelot when King
Arthur rides up on his horse and goes all Bill and Ted talking about
some prophecy Merlin made and how they had been waiting for them to
arrive. Merlin there? Nope. And so the quest begins, right? You’re
wrong again. That’s two for two. As would be expected with any show
that is clearly already confusing enough, they jumped ahead six weeks
to reveal the gang had returned to Storybrooke wearing Camelot garb
and Emma had embraced her role as dark one. She showed up all Neo
from the Matrix-like with tightly bunned hair and lines like, “I’m
the dark one.” Honestly, it made me a little hot. It’s also 75
degrees in my house right now so... yeah.
Loaded episode? You bet, buddy! And I
didn’t even mention the fact that Regina had charge of Emma’s
dagger for two seconds, Snow White and Charming took the baby with
them into the forest (because that’s the perfect place for a baby),
Emma’s dark side manifests itself as Rumple to make her look crazy
talking to herself and Black Lancelot is back (#BlackLancelot). It’s
going to be a crazy season and just like everything else I get
excited for, I can’t wait. If only the Super Blood Moon had been
this satisfying rather than the cloudy sky blocking it out for me.
Sigh!
What did you think? Did you expect the
six week jump? Are you excited to see Dark Swan? Do you think she
should have killed Mere-duh? And what’s with that whole Excalibur’s
tip being the dagger’s blade thing? Mind-bottling, right? My mind
was literally put into a bottle. Let
me know what you think in the comments below.
As
always, check out my books on Amazon (if you’re looking for
Halloween scares
check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen).
For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check
out #TheWriter.
The final episode of season one of The Writer is OUT NOW. Ahh! That’s
right, all 15 episodes are out now available exclusively on Amazon.
Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to my
blog.
Until next time, don’t hate Emma. As
we all learned from Joe on Bachelor In Paradise, Villain’s gotta
Vill, man. Villain’s gotta Vill. ”
P.S. Alright, admittedly I used up just
about all of my cleverness quota for the week on that Empire recap,
but that sign-off totally works here. I’ll keep working on it.
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