(Deep Breath) Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? #Dynasty #3weekroundup #recap #review #CW

(Deep Breath) Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? #Dynasty #3weekroundup #recap #review #CW

All pictures courtesy of the CW

Dear God, I think I’m a pretty decent human being. I haven’t purposefully killed anybody in a while. My name is not Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Woody Allen or any other pervert/assaulter’s name. I don’t even take more than ten pennies from the take-a-penny leave-a-penny anymore. And I have not let my dog crap on Mrs. Strutherby’s lawn in, like, at least two months (that vomit from a month ago should totally not count). The point is that I’m a good person, so why then have I been assaulted with such a terrible remake of a classic show? Why have I even had the unforced punishment to have to sit through it just so I can review it for literally nobody who reads this blog? Why, on your great earth filled with green pastures and frothy seas, did this even get made? I know you won’t answer in time for me to finish this review, but I’m just sayin’ help a brotha out with a little bit of understanding. Amen!

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, we have come to what should totally be the end of the new shows for this season but inexplicably isn’t because networks are choosing to premiere shows in a scattershot pattern, and boy is it a doozy. Forewarning right now, I usually try my darnedest not to curse and fill this blog with vile and foul language (I do curse in a great many of my books for interested readers) but I am going to be breaking that rule on this post because, oh boy! I’ve completely buried the lede here, or maybe I’ve blown it too soon, so I shouldn’t really have to try to do the clever question about whether this series is worth watching or not, but I’ll try for you, faithful reader. Is the new rebooted Dynasty the start of a new empire, or will it quickly go the way of the Ming? Let’s find out together.

CW’s new show Dynasty is a reboot of the old show of the same name. It centers around a wealthy white family that has made their money in the oil industry but are now venturing off into other sections of energy. The show specifically deals with the trials and tribulations of who is sleeping with who and who is willing to backstab their family all to continue their part in maintaining the Carrington Dynasty. Blake Carrington (played by Grant Show) is the patriarch of the Carrington family. For review purposes I will hold back on my comparisons between this farce of a remake and the original until the end. So in this version, Blake seems to be a corporate businessman who is president and CEO of Carrington Atlanta. He doesn’t seem to have a domineering personality but is quite backstab-by. Honestly, in the first episode it was rather difficult to pin down who he is and what he was going to be. For now, he’s pretty much every old rich white man who likes younger women.

His eldest daughter’s name is Fallon Carrington (played by Elizabeth Gillies) who takes center stage on this series and gives off this Gossip Girl-esque vibe. She is the current head of Acquistions for Carrington Atlanta but wants to be COO of the company. She hopes that her father will one day pass the company to her as all dynasties get passed down to the children. She’s a millennial feminist who has no problem using sex as a weapon, and wielding her father’s love for her as a weapon. Next we have Steven Carrington who is the gay son of Blake (this is very important for my critique later) and sibling to Fallon. Blake is supposed to be traditional (doesn’t seem like it), so he hates that his son is gay, yet he has no qualms about using his son’s gayness to land business deals. It is for this hatred that Steven rebels against his father in any way he can, but most notably by protesting against his father’s oil-fracking efforts.

But the most important character on which the show is supposed to hinge is Cristal Flores (Carrington) played by Nathalie Kelley of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift fame. On the first episode she is revealed to be Blake’s new fiance and quickly gets married to him after having worked for him for years but having only dated him for a few months. She’s super young and non-white, getting married to a billionaire. Naturally, Fallon sees this as disgusting and thinks Cristal is nothing more than a gold digger, and here is where this remake stakes its claim.

We start the first episode with Fallon narrating background about her life and Carrington Atlanta. Fans of the original would note the ode to the original music as played by a young Steven during one of Fallon’s explanatory flashbacks detailing her brother’s disdain for their birthright. She thinks that telling her father about a business that is ripe for the takeover will help her get that promotion to COO. The new company is a clean-energy company that has focused mostly on wind power but owns land that is rumored to be oil-rich and great for fracking. She rushes home in her private jet to tell her father.

Meanwhile, Cristal speaks with her boss about how his company is out of touch and needs to be more socially responsible and have more involvement with philanthropic efforts. Her boss is Blake. She goes to his Mansion (with a capital m) in the fancier part of Atlanta to discuss this more and they end up about to get it on right on his desk. And then Fallon and Steven walk in much to the protestations of the butler. It is in this shuffle to get dressed that he tells his children that he’s engaged. Surprise!

Fallon is pissed not only because she thought he called her home to promote her, but because Blake apparently swore he would never remarry after divorcing their mother Alexis (who is never seen). Well, he is getting married and Fallon isn’t getting the job. Steven is only half-pissed because he thought he came home to finally receive that long-awaited apology he never got for how his father mistreated him for being gay. But it’s fine that his father is getting remarried to him.

Fallon and Chauffeur

Between screw sessions with her dad’s black chauffeur Michael and seething family dinners, Fallon plots to both get that COO job and get Cristal out of their lives for good. She tries to carry favor with her father by securing him a joint win with one of his most hated enemies, Jeff Colby. Jeff Colby, who is black, was a young man who worked in the tech department at Carrington Atlanta. While on company time, he created some kind of app that blew up and made him a billionaire almost overnight. Blake tried to sue for company ownership because the app was created on his dime, but the judge ruled against that and now Jeff is Blake’s sworn enemy. Blake is trying to outbid Jeff for ownership of the Atlanta Braves baseball team if only to prevent Jeff from having it. Fallon sees they are both being outbid by a third bidder and says that if they combine their money, then Jeff can own the team, but Blake could own the stadium naming rights and it’s a win-win. This intrigues Jeff as he has a crush on Fallon.

Meanwhile, Cristal is basking in her engagement glow with her fellow girlfriends but knows that she must also tell her old lover about her new relationship before it hits tabloids. Her old lover Matthew Blaisdel is someone who works for Blake. He and Cristal had a brief affair but he has a wife Claudia who is very ill and has mental problems. Though he loves Cristal, he could never muster the courage to leave Claudia in her time of need. He and Cristal say their final goodbyes in a car and are caught kissing by Fallon’s boy-toy Michael, which she uses to try to get her father to detest Cristal.

Steven and Fallon

Fallon’s plan backfires. While Blake does invite Matthew to his house, Cristal sees what he’s doing and doesn’t like it one bit. She stomps out pissed and goes back to her own place that she’s keeping because she has yet to move into the Mansion. Well, she and Blake forgive each other and decide to move their wedding up to the day of the engagement party and have a surprise ceremony instead.

Speaking of surprises, Blake uses the info Fallon told him about that other energy company to get Steven back on his side. He tells the boy that he and this other company’s CEO have a lot in common, and asks him to meet with the man. In turn Carrington Atlanta will be more environmentally friendly. Steven goes only to realize that his father meant that the CEO was gay and he wanted his son to sleep with the man to close the deal. Steven gets pissed and decides to instead sleep with some random bar guy.

We fast forward to the surprise nuptials and learn that Fallon is pissed that her father let Steven close the deal with the other company. She physically fights with Cristal who has been promoted to COO instead of her. Fallon then makes a deal with Jeff to open their own new energy company using the purchase of that other energy company she told her dad about as a start. Oh, and the guy Steven slept with was actually Sammy Joe Flores, Cristal’s nephew. And if that wasn’t enough, Blake sent Matthew to the new energy company’s current wind-farm site to do a land survey only for the truck to blow up and one of the windmills to collapse around him, killing him in the process. And Claudia comes to the Mansion talking about how Blake killed her husband. True fans of the original Dynasty should already be shaking their heads.

Episode two curiously starts with the house swamped in police and press treating Matthew’s death as a murder investigation which sends Cristal fainting at the accusations. And here is where you start to wonder if they not only remade this but took a regular prime time drama and made it into some kind of murder mystery similar to How To Get Away With Murder. Sigh. Dumb shit. Just dumb.

A Murder? What? 

Anyway, while the investigation continues, Blake makes the unilateral decision that he is going to try protecting all of his family. So he wants that picture of Cristal and Matthew kissing destroyed. The problem is that it was emailed from Michael to Fallon who forwarded it to her father, leaving a digital trail. So if their property is subpoenaed... Cristal is also doing a little Nancy Drewing after Matthew’s partner who was there to see him die, tells her that she needs to be leery of her new husband. He says that Blake is evil and rich and might have rigged the truck to blow, because he wanted Matthew gone, because he found out that Cristal was previously in love with him and might still be, because Cristal was still holding on to some of Matthew’s things from their affair because Matthew clearly was putting it on her like sizzle on steak because... Um... I ran out of becauses.

Blake tries to blame Jeff for the murder in some twisted rivals revenge plot. Blake pays for Matthew’s funeral, and his family goes just so that Cristal has the opportunity to push Fallon into an open grave. Yes, this show somehow manages to get worse and worse every episode. Blake invites press to the funeral reception so they will write favorable stories about him and Matthew’s friend gets really upset and storms out drunk. And somehow this turns Cristal on enough to screw Blake in his office during this funeral reception. And the main butler keeps coming around talking about how he knows about some dark past that Cristal has. Everyone is supposedly deceptive and conniving. And Steven gets arrested at the end of the episode.

Episode three starts with Fallon playing dress up with her boy-toy black chauffeur. She lies about how nothing is going on between her and Colby. Blake gets Steven out on bail and the gay son immediately runs to Sammy Jo to cement his alibi for where he was when Matthew was killed and you’re watching this thinking, “But if the truck was rigged to blow, he wouldn’t have had to be there to... Never mind.” The butler continues to be a dick to Cristal for no reason and warns her about being a gold digger (I think he and Fallon read the same playbook). But she doesn’t care because her family needs money back in Venezuela. Well, Sammy Jo offers to fence some of Cristal’s jewelry and we learn that apparently these billionaires have fake jewelry lying around to try on with clothes. Like... what? Anyway, we get a brief flashback of Cristal (not her real name) back in Venezuela 12 years ago stealing money from somewhere and using it to get to America.

Fallon and Jeff

Steven learns from Michael that Blake has Matthew’s phone and he and his sister plot to find the phone during the 80s-themed charity party held at the mansion. Oh god, make it stop! The party’s auction pits Blake and Jeff against each other in a bidding war for a necklace worn by Cristal. Jeff wins the bid with a high-priced $10 million bid only for Blake to rile him up enough for them to get into a physical altercation at the party. Jeff swears that he’s going to give the necklace to Fallon because he’s hot for her, but he goes off to do that only to find her screwing the chauffeur again after she just got done doing that earlier.

Well, a robber comes into the house during the party and is caught searching for stuff by Blake. Steven fights the burglar off and defends his father which gives Blake a little smile. The burglar supposedly steals Cristal’s ring. Of course Sammy set up the robbery to get some money for the Venezuelan family.

Blake tries to have a sweet moment with his daughter and it’s a very “eh!” moment. This comes after he tried to prevent the trademarked Carrington name from being used by Fallon in her brand new venture. And at the end of the episode, Blake realizes that Matthew’s phone was, in fact, stolen. They’ve got to get it back because old dude had some freak-nasty stuff on there involving Cristal.

What’s my grade? I give it a D-. Wow! That might be the lowest grade I’ve ever given something. I was gonna go for the full F, but I had to give it some credit for the diversity within the series as opposed to the lily-whiteness of the original. Dynasty this ain’t. Guys and gals, you all know just how much in the last few months (read: years) I have been trying my best to not go full-on nuclear at some of the current stuff coming out of the film and television industry. And if you’ve read anything of late you also know how much I have been blaming a particular group for this lack of creativity and good entertainment. For those new to the blog, no, the answer surprisingly isn’t Millennials but the one generation that should be getting blamed for a lot more stuff: Gen-Xers. I am trying my best not to just dismiss any generation but why do Xers keep doing this? I don’t get it. Breaking it down for people, Xers would be those born between 65 and 80 (though some would claim their generation goes all the way to 85, which is inaccurate as most generations before Baby Boomers never spanned more than 15 years but I digress). Even if you do count the inaccurate years and say that Gen-Xers go all the way to ‘85, you would still have to concede that they, for the most part are the ones in creative control for most stuff currently coming out. They are the stars, directors, most writers and a few are the producers (Baby Boomers still have most of the money but you get my point). This is the reason why we’ve seen so much stuff based in, referencing, or influenced by the 80s, because most Xers still would have been young then and this is a way of them re-living their glory days. Millennials would be the ones trying to do stuff that is 90s-influenced because that was their decade of memorable youth (case in point: Issa Rae is trying to produce a 90s-set drama with HBO. Yes, she would be a Millennial even by the strictest definition).

So with all that said, it only makes sense that the creatives behind this ill-conceived Dynasty remake would have to be Gen-Xers. Now, I haven’t looked up the producers but I would guess that these assholes were most likely born in the 70s, came of age watching Dynasty in their preteen and teen years and maybe now have teamed with one Millennial producer or showrunner/writer to try to make this series just as “cool” and “rad” as it was back then. And while the show was all of those things back then, this shit they’re shovelin’ at us now is none of that. Stop it, CW. Stop it, Xers. It’s one thing to try ruining your own fond childhood memories (and the legacy left behind by Traditionalists and Baby Boomers), but it is a completely different thing to try creating childhood memories for a new generation only to have this new generation growing up with corny servings of shit.

Now that my generational rant is done once again (I had to do the same rant too many times this year), let’s actually move on to the comparisons of this show to the original, then tackle why they would even use the name and end on how this show even fails as its own thing. We begin with comparing this to the original Dynasty. To me, though they got all the characters (save for Sammy Jo), name drops, lavishness and rich opulence right, they literally brought none of what made Dynasty so good to this series. I can see why this show was rated as the second worst new series of the season behind only the far superior Valor.

Armie Hammer (?)

For starters, let me say that I am a huge fan of Dynasty. I have the entire series on DVD, all nine seasons. Not only that, but I have just recently been watching Dynasty all over again from the very first season. I’m currently on season eight, which I probably won’t get to finish until my winter break. So I know all about Blake, Krystle (with a K and not a C. I know this new version is from a different country and different ethnicity, but still don’t see the need for the subtle name change, but it’s inconsequential), Alexis, and the children. I know about Lil’ B and Cecil Colby, and the Krystle lookalike. I cherish the over-the-topness of Dr. Toscano, the complicated doeishness of Kirby, and the mental instability of Adam (or is it Michael? Dun dun dunnnn!). And while I definitely still think that John James is some kind of time traveler/vampire/never-aging Dorian Gray that has, in modern times, assumed the identity of Armie Hammer, I can appreciate the fact that pretty much every Carrington sibling was, at one point, switched out with another actor or actress. Yeah, it wasn’t just Fallon. We had, like, three or four Fallon’s, two Stevens and two Amandas. I say all of that so that you know I’m not just some uncouth imbecile who sat down and tried to watch a season of the original just so I could review the new one. I’m not a superfan either but I’ve seen the show and I can tell what made it so great, and how this new show missed the mark.

John James (?)

First off, where the fuck is the music? I invite you to go and read through some of the positive reviews of the original on IMDb. In at least 75% of them you will find people praising the soundtrack of the show. What may seem cheesy now, back then signaled the opulence of the show. The original music sounds WASPy and snooty, like something you’d hear if you were attending a dinner party at a billionaire’s “estate” where a butler came out to introduce the master and mistress of the house. You could feel the highfalutin golf-claps of the crowd as the billion-dollar couple walked the aisle to the front of their ballroom as if this were their wedding. The music was memorable and iconic. It is what helped to take the show from a plain TV series to an experience. Is it old? Yes, of course. But similar to the Superman music of the Donner films, it could’ve used a sprucing up instead of a full-on replacement. Unfortunately, while the new Man of Steel soundtrack, which I actually adore just as much as the Donner films’, has ably replaced the superhero’s theme, on the new Dynasty they hardly bothered to do that. At least with the Superman films they got one iconic composer in Hans Zimmer to replace another in John Williams.

Here, they didn’t even bother to have an opening theme for the first two episodes. Then on the third they had a sped-up, cheesy version of the original music. I don't even consider that kazoo-sampler of a farce real music. And the other, more prominent music they do have is so bargain-bin-of-beats that it’s hard for me to not believe that they heard the sample beat that came on their fancy new Garage Band app, added a few rhythmic claps and finger-snaps, and called it a day. It’s strange to me that out of all the music on CW shows, the new Dynasty has the most indistinct soundtrack. Even those few speedy string-section notes on The Flash help me to signify that, Oh crap, The Flash is coming. (If you’ve seen the show more than once, you know the notes I’m talking about because they play them before almost every commercial). On Dynasty? Some drums that sound like they could go in the background of nearly any Rap, R&B, New-Age Funk or Imagine Dragons song you’ve ever heard. It’s garbage.

Then we have the actual feel of the show. They set this steaming pile on Wednesday nights after Riverdale because they didn’t want to compete with the superior Empire. For this reason, I guess they felt they had to make it into a murder mystery? I don’t know, but what I do know is that the first three episodes try to play like that and I’m completely not here for it. “Oh, just sit down, Michael!” Bitch, I’m rantin’! Listen to me close and good as hard as you mickey fickey can: Dynasty was not a murder mystery. Dynasty was always a romance/drama. Did they have murder in it? Yes. Were there other mysteries to be solved? Of course. But both of those things played backseat passenger to the intricacies of the business as well as who was getting it on with who, and what happened to this person, and why everybody hates but respects Blake and why all of these women love and hate him so much. It was not some cheap How To Get Away With Murder ripoff. 

Cristal and Blake

I’m running out of space, so I’ll try to speed up. Dynasty was always a romance sort of in the vein of all the romantic love-triangled parts of Scandal. It was about this one suave, OG lady’s man that all women wanted to be with and men wanted to be, who had fallen in love with a new woman and how their relationship impacts everyone around them and his business. I know, I’m leaving Alexis out, but I’m getting to her. This was in an era in which men were still men judging by both current men’s standards who like to say that younger men aren’t up to snuff, as well as current female standards who constantly bash men’s masculinity while also complaining about the lack of good men around to marry. Blake had all the moves of an old player: charm, charisma, determination, a belief in and knowledge of what he wants and supreme drive to get it. He dressed bespoke, talked in a smooth, domineering tone, yet showed kindness and understanding in times that he could. And even though he had more traditional values, he not only always tried to protect his family, but demonstrated, over time, a willingness to learn, to change, to grow and to accept things for what they were. He was honest and forthright in almost everything he did.

This new Dynasty shows almost none of that. While I give them plenty of leeway to show things like growth in the first three episodes—something which took the original Blake years to demonstrate—I don’t excuse the lack of suaveness, on-screen-captivation and all-around debonaireness that is missing from Grant Show’s performance. He looks good, yes. But he doesn’t have the same on-screen presence as John Forsythe did. I would defy people who have never seen the original to watch the first three episodes of this new show, then do the same for the original and see if Blake hasn’t talked you or your girl halfway out her drawls before she remembers it’s just a TV show. He was that smooth. He knew when to smile, how to play the repentant lover, how to romance with just his eyes, and there’s none of that in Grant’s performance. Unfortunately, he resembles most modern men who weepishly apologize to their woman after doing something bad. He seems ripe for female domination, something which Forsythe most certainly was not.

Even worse is that they also got Cristal/Krystle wrong. In the old version, Krystle was the epitome of the old-school, traditional woman. She was nurturing, caring, soft, in need of her man, eager to please others, and madly in love with Blake. While she may have played close to the classic damsel, she was also smart without being cutting or biting, and classy save for when absolutely pushed to a buildup of regrettable rage. It was important for her to be those things because it played off the show’s later dichotomy of Alexis who was supposed to be the representation of the modern woman: a businesswoman, not easily controlled, sexually free, goal-driven and motivated by power, strength, class and recognition. Alexis wanted the status that Krystle never really cared if she had. Krystle was a lot more shy and Alexis was a bull. That is why it made sense for them to clash in the ways they did.

Here, while Alexis is rightfully not on the series yet, this Cristal flounders all over the place with her character in the first three episodes. It’s like the writers and producers binged every season of the original and tried to write every complexity into the character that they could, rather than letting her develop over time. We start by seeing this headstrong businesswoman on episode one, see a woman who can handily put Blake in his place (Krystle hardly ever did that which made her so lovable and complex), watch as she takes the COO job motivated by revenge, see her get into a physical altercation with Fallon (again, what the F***?), and see her proudly prance down the aisle with a snide and condescending “I got you, bitch!” smile on her face toward her new step-daughter. No. This is not Krystle/Cristal.

And then we have Fallon and Steven, both of which they shitted on for no good reason. Fallon, while slightly more headstrong than Krystle on the original, was never the kind of hawkish businesswoman that this new Fallon is. She was also a softer character whose want for free-living you could empathize with, while also being a spoiled brat more in the vain (see what I did there) of our current first-daughter Ivanka Trump. She would more readily pout than spit venom to get her way. While the change might seem good to have her be stronger and surer of herself in this version, I find it gross because they also sexed her up more.

In the original, yes Fallon may have been rather loose with her gentlemen callers but she was not a smokey-eyed seductress who walked around with a puckered-lip of faux-fierceness like this new Fallon does. Yes, she rebelled with her suitors but it never felt like she was a hoe. Here, this Fallon is definitely a hoe who enjoys the game of putting her “men” in front of each other because she can. While this normally wouldn’t be all that bad, it’s made slightly uncomfortable just by the fact that she is white and her most prominent suitors are two black men in Atlanta, a city where black women have already said they are man-starved unless they choose someone who also sleeps with men himself. It’s like she’s treating them like her animals, expecting her two dogs or monkeys to attack each other and fight for her love. Where in the original this kind of stuff happened often by accident, here it seems like Fallon does this on purpose. Yuck!

And this whole thing where she is so pissed at Cristal that she feels she can put hands on this woman is so from left field. Did Fallon like Krystle at first? No, but she didn’t despise her like this. Not in the first season, not ever. I don’t get the reason for pitting those two against each other. It adds nothing to the show, and in fact, takes a huge chunk out of the show or will in the future. I will talk about that after I talk about Steven and how they royally screwed him up.

Speaking of, Steven is a complete farce. I rarely say this because it feels far too personal and like a diss to the actual person behind the character, but I don’t like the actor playing him. I don’t think he’s attractive and, at least here, I don’t think he can act. To compare, in the original Dynasty we got not one, but two Stevens. The first one was probably a bit rougher looking as far as his face went (still runway-model handsome) but I thought the guy could act his ass off. The second was some man-gorgeous high-fashion model for sure. The character was intriguing not just for his sexuality but he exuded a certain intelligence that also mingled with genuine sensitivity and a personality that, much to his dismay, was far closer to his father’s than he wanted to admit. Here, he doesn’t have that from what I can see. He’s less genuine, less likable and all around more badly acted.

As far as his sexuality—and this speaks to my hatred for what they did with Sammy Jo, too—they made him gay. Why? Just why? Right now, fans of the original are pointing out that Steven was gay on there too. I’d ask that you not de-complicate things so easily. Steven was really not gay, but more bisexual than anything, which is a big deal because he was the first major bisexual/bi-curious character on TV and his inner-conflict about is sexuality is one of the things that made him so unique and interesting. When the series starts, he’s trying to still hide his “gayness” from his father even though he had an affair with this guy in college. But in season two and three, we not only see Steven be fooled into a relationship with Krystle’s NIECE Sammie Jo, but we also see him have a baby and get married, and have a fling with Claudia only for him to go back and confront his conflicted mind and begin to sleep with men again. Because the character was so sexually complex to begin with, I can hardly applaud his inclusion here as being something new and trendy. No, the original Dynasty is what paved the way for all sorts of queer characters to be seen as something other than cartoonish, which is why it actually disappoints me that he seems to have been strictly categorized as gay. Not only is he gay, but the way he talks, walks and the over-the-top comedic gestures he gives codes him as an on-the-edge-of-flamboyant gay man who keeps such fabulousness simmering just below the surface at all times. But you can just tell he’s waiting for some Liza Minnelli or Cher to come on in the background somewhere so he can whip out his wig. This was not Steven.

Look, I don’t know much about this plight, but I do know that for a very long time a lot of gay men had grown tired of seeing portrayals of them as the fashion-conscious “honey-girl”-sidekicks to fag hags in entertainment. They all didn’t know fashion, weren’t all working for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, didn’t dress in drag, and weren’t all addicted to show tunes. Steven was the epitome of what I’ve seen a lot of gay men complain about representation for (awkwardly worded. Not fixin’ it). He not only kept all of his masculinity but was completely comfortable in it. And both actors showed this type of ease with one’s self while balancing the inner turmoil of liking women occasionally too. In stripping away his desire to also sometimes be with women (or at least not hinting at it in any way) they’ve made the character less complex and pretty much like every other gay character on TV right now. Even more to the point, looking at him, I can’t imagine this guy (both actor and character) ably seducing a woman or having one fall madly in love with him regardless of their mental state. He and Sammy Jo having a child figured quite big into later seasons and gave us more of Heather Locklear which, I mean... do you really get enough of young Heather Locklear?

Frankly, the whole thing with Steven is rather bizarre and regressive for the times. Where Steven’s back and forth about his sexuality in the 80s opened up a plethora of topics they could discuss (AIDS, casual sex, the growing gay community, queer rights, definition of sexuality, fluid sexuality), now it seems like they’ve taken a cutting edge, groundbreaking series and somehow made it PC for the modern TV viewer by including a gay character. Hmph! Think about that. That’s crazy. And while I can understand some past viewers’ complaint that they kept trying to make Steven straight and how sexuality doesn’t work like that, I think that those viewers’ nearsightedness to the issue is the main reason why they should have continued to make Steven seem confused. If they did that, then they could’ve been even more able to drive the conversation like Dynasty did, and have Steven fall in love with a transwoman or man. Now doesn’t that sound more interesting: to have a character stuck between figuring out if he’s gay or straight fall in love with a trans Sammy Jo? Especially since the show is set in Atlanta and you have tons of transwomen down there? You could’ve had a black transwoman play Sammy Jo and explore transsexuality and how they are not just sexual objects for confused or bi people to play with. I’m just saying it’s a big missed opportunity to me.

Speaking of Atlanta, the switch in setting was strange but I am more accepting of that than anything else because the original Dynasty, while set in Denver, rarely, if ever, filmed there as there was almost never any snow on the ground. But what I didn’t like was the fact that the relationships had been changed yet again with the children. In the original, Blake’s sworn enemy to start the show was Cecil Colby, another old fogy oil and energy tycoon stationed in Denver. That makes sense to have the old fighting the old. But here, they’ve not only aged everybody down, but they seem to have gotten rid of the Cecil character in order to make this some sort of generational warfare. In the original Blake loved Jeff as his own son and when Jeff and Fallon finally got married and gave him a grandchild, he was almost happier than he had ever been. Jeff, in Blake’s eyes, was not only the true hetero son that Blake couldn’t get in Steven, but he was the sub-in for Adam Carrington, the son that was kidnapped away from Blake and Alexis long ago. Making him black is great, but to make him an adversary as opposed to a much older uncle in Cecil seems to miss out on some key drama.

God, there’s so much, and I’m still going. Speaking of missing out on drama, Dynasty fans of the original will know that the first season of Dynasty was not about Alexis, hence why she isn’t on the current show (though something tells me they’ll try stuffing her in at some point in the season, especially if the ratings slip). Nor was it about some silly catfight between Krystle and Fallon. No, it was all about the jealousy and betrayal intertwined between Matthew Blaisdel, Krystle and Blake. If I’m remembering correctly, Alexis didn’t even make her grand entrance either until the beginning of the second season or the last episode of the first. There was a great build-up to her. But what was the buildup you ask? Like I said, it wasn’t fighting between two or three women. No, it was the buildup of Blake and Krystle’s relationship and love for each other which was juxtaposed with Matthew’s lust and love for Krystle and her flimsy resistance to it. Through the first season you got to see how Blake really loves a woman, what he’ll do for her, do to keep her, how wonderfully he’ll treat her and even how gentlemanly (or doggish) he’ll treat another man who is trying to love her too. Matthew, on the other hand, was always the humble roughneck who didn’t want to step on his boss’ toes but had a woman he wanted to love, and one that he had a commitment to in Claudia. This quadrangle of love, lust and power mingled to create some intense drama even for the first season.

How Blake and Krystle loved each other and weathered the storm of Blaisdel was important to know for when Alexis arrived. The spurned lover returned not only with jealousy in her heart but also still with very healthy dollops of love for Blake, the man that cast her out of high Denver society. You had the rose in Krystle, and the weed in Alexis. And because you watched Blake, in all of his faults as a man and a husband, still manage to treat Krystle like his equal and love her tenderly, you could instantly understand Alexis’ pain and hatred for Blake. Because not only does Krystle now sit where she once used to, but even her children are not pulled strongly against Krystle. They kinda like her. She’s a decent woman. On the flip side, you can also instantly understand why Blake wanted her gone from his and the kids’ lives because she is so vicious and vile. Even with all of the drama that had happened in the first season, Alexis came onto the show like the snake into Eden. None of the characters, including Blake, expected such a repugnance from her.

On the new Dynasty, not only do they steal Alexis’ story line of just how she gets back into high society—in the original, she married Cecil Colby right before he died, inheriting all of his wealth and his oil company—but we also get the viciousness that she displayed to the rest of the Carrington brood dispersed around in equal measures to all other characters. To me, there’s little difference between the current Fallon and the old Alexis. Joan Collins slayed the role of evil queen once removed. The girl playing Fallon seems to try some mock-up of that role. Even Blake seems more evil than he should. In fact, it almost seems like they defaulted back to the blame-the-white-guy narrative that’s been so popular lately. While I am usually always down for that narrative, Dynasty had way better writers and far superior plots than that. Blake was never supposed to be the villain, Alexis was. And her determination to destroy him or re-bed him, or both is what drove the plot from the second season onward and made everyone not just in the family, but in the city of Denver choose sides.

The strangest part? Steven went with his mother and Fallon went with her father, but on this show, it feels like they both hate their father enough to go with their mother at this point. Not only that, but Fallon is already bent on destroying her dad. And between Fallon already getting into a physical fight with Krystle, something which was built up over the course of an entire second season and truly shocked viewers when it happened (yes, Alexis and Krystle fought in the pond, and in the art studio; no, there weren’t fights every single week) and Fallon also already about to sleep with a Colby and destroy her dad, why the hell do you even need an Alexis later in the series? Even worse, you’ll have to cast an older actress (gasp!) which seems to not have been a problem when casting Cristal. Yeah, while the show followed the kids, it was very much-so always about the older people of Krystle, Blake and Alexis, and all of them were over 40 by the time the series really got going.

Rest Well, John Forsythe. The Original Is Still The Best

Should you be watching? Fuck no! This is garbage. The original was a great show. And while people now are looking back on it and calling it campy and soapy and all of that crap, ignore that shit because it was really a great drama which, if done right, would’ve fit right in with today’s modern programming. Think Game of Thrones with a lighter tone. I guarantee you that it didn’t have nearly as much “camp” as people like to think it does. Hell, the show Empire is modeled off of it and people aren’t calling that campy. Yet, here they decided to not only rip away everything that made the original great, but have gone with this strange over-the-top comedic take on it where they’re playing everything to either be “fierce” or Glee-dramatic. It reminds me of that show Scream Queens and not in a good way. The actors don’t seem very committed to doing a good job and making these people seem like real people in a real world, which speaks to the show as a standalone series.

As its own series, the show collapses under the weight of bad acting and bad writing. I don’t know which is worse as the lines sound like lines and they’re in that weird gray zone where you can’t tell if they’re badly written lines or just badly delivered. The acting is too flamboyant and trying to one-up each other and the characters are all over the place. Even without knowing all of what happened in the old Dynasty, the first episode feels like it was over-packed with them trying to do too much (they covered about a full season’s worth of drama in 60 minutes). Again, I tried to forgive that because most pilots are bad and feel rushed, but then so did the next two episodes, yet they somehow didn’t seem to have anything meaningful happening in them. The direction is bland and I would say it doesn’t even live up to some of the other shows on the CW, mainly the superhero shows and Supernatural. To help you realize how amazing Dynasty was both in its direction and overall production, I should mention that famed producer Aaron Spelling joined the series as a producer in the second season when it really took off. Yeah, the guy behind 90210 and a ba-thousand other hits. I mention 90210 because just like the remake of that, I am not sure that this will last for very long.

I wonder why the hell they even used the Dynasty name instead of trying to make something new, different and original. Because I only see this remake appealing to a very small percentage of the original fans who are now in their 50s and 60s, and the age group that trends on CW shows is too young to remember the original or care about it to make this appointment viewing. It’s decent enough to watch a few episodes, but when the holidays start to slow everything down and free time gets scarce as viewing schedules get tight, I can’t see younger generations (teens, or 20 and 30-somethings) tuning in for this. But if you like torture, then Dynasty airs on CW Wednesdays at 9pm.

What do you think? Have you heard of the new Dynasty? If you haven’t, do you think you’ll tune in now? If you have heard of it, have you seen it? Did you like it? Where do you think they can improve? Have you ever seen the original? Who do you think will go down for Matthew’s murder? And when do you think Alexis will make her grand appearance? Let me know in the comments below.

Check out my 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend. #AhStalking

If you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. Seasons 1, 2 and 3 are out NOW, exclusively on Amazon. Stay connected here for updates on season 4 coming summer 2018. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Look for the mysterious Sci-fi episodic novella series Extraordinary on Amazon. Season 2 of that coming real soon. And look for the mystery novels The Knowledge of Fear #KnowFear and The Man on the Roof #TMOTR coming this fall/winter. Twisty novels as good as Gone Girl or The Girl on the Train, you won’t want to miss them. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.

Until next time, “A dynasty, like my money, lasts three lifetimes.”

P.S. Empire did it much better in making an update to the mold of Dynasty. Yes, they pretty much eliminated the Krystle character and no Boo-Boo Kitty does not count, but it works. And yes Lucious is the devil and far darker than Blake, but he is alright. But seriously though, Jay-Z is almost a billionaire. That’s crazy. Crazy! A Jay-Z lyric is always a good idea as a final line, but I’ll try to think of a better, more original sign-off next time.

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