I Present To You Lady Monster... But
Where's That Plot, Though? #AmericanHorrorStory #AHSHotel #DVRRewind
"Ooo La! Oo la Ga-ga! Ooo La! Oo la Ga-ga!" Wait, those aren't the words to Lady Gaga's "Judas" song? Well, how am I supposed to know that, I'm not her biggest fan--Paparazzi--but I am a fan. I'm just trying to give her that thing that she wants... you know, applause. Is that enough Lady Gaga song references or do you want more? I know everyone else has done it already but I can't help it, I was born this way. Leave me alone!
All pictures courtesy of FX unless otherwise stated
"Ooo La! Oo la Ga-ga! Ooo La! Oo la Ga-ga!" Wait, those aren't the words to Lady Gaga's "Judas" song? Well, how am I supposed to know that, I'm not her biggest fan--Paparazzi--but I am a fan. I'm just trying to give her that thing that she wants... you know, applause. Is that enough Lady Gaga song references or do you want more? I know everyone else has done it already but I can't help it, I was born this way. Leave me alone!
Anyway, American Horror Story came back
for its fifth season, American Horror Story: Hotel (#AHSHotel). And
with the absence of Jessica Lange--you dear sweet woman whom we'll
miss forever--someone had to take over as lead monster. Enter Lady
Gaga. But before we get to her fantastic starring role, we have to
backtrack through a little non-plotting, plot.
What's the basis of Hotel? Similar to
seasons past of the popular horror anthology series the producers
have been very sparse on details. Though there has been talk of
vampirism in some form, an earthly entrance into hell and even
purgatory, none of that has been outright confirmed. All we know as
of this moment is that the Hotel Cortez is haunted by a host of
baddies sure to maim and disgust. We also have word (and have seen in
previews of this season) that a few of the past favorite characters
from prior seasons will make an appearance in the hotel that guests
check in but never check--what? Oh, so you're saying I shouldn't make
that joke because it's too easy. Fine, I won't write it, but I'm
definitely thinkin' it.
A little character background, we have
Kathy Bates playing the front desk check-in lady, Wes Bentley playing
a creepy looking detective (though that just might be his normal
face), Matt Bomer playing Lady Gaga's lover/Bates' son, Denis O'Hare
playing a cross-dressing chain-smoker, Lady Gaga playing the boss of
everything and Sarah Paulson playing... uh, Debbie from the
Thornberrys?
Is that...? No, she's supposed to be a blonde version of Selma from the Simpsons, right?
Well, whoever she
is supposed to be that hair is teased to death, literally as it is
revealed she is dead or at least should be after the fall she took at
the hands of Bates' character. That's at the end of the episode.
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| Picture courtesy of Nickelodeon and The Wild Thornberrys |
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| Picture courtesy of FOX and The Simpsons |
I know, I'm jumping ahead again, but to
be fair, this season started off with a very strange feeling. Unlike
in seasons past, it felt like it had very little plot. Leeway is
always given to the season premiere of any show as it sets up the
rest of the season, but because this is an anthology series and we
know each season will be different, you have to set us up with what's
about to go on for the next twelve episodes. And I really have no
idea what to anticipate.
Granted, this can be argued for any
season and there are a ton of story strands, but it spent an hour and
a half kind of meandering around from character to character showing
us creepy stuff with no explanation. It starts with two foreign girls
entering the hotel who, despite their better judgment, stay at the
hotel even though they don't want to. There's an ode to the creepy
children from The Shining in a scene where one of the girls goes to
get ice, and one sees a huge stain of blood on some bed sheets that
are being washed outside of a patron's room. There's also an
apron-wearing man a la Hostel--a testament to this season's
gore factor. Then the girls cut open their stinky mattress to find a
person trapped inside of it all gaunt and Gollum-like. Naturally,
like any other normal human being who just witnessed a person pop
from inside their mattress would do, they stay in the hotel from fear
that they could be arrested. What the hell? Personally, I would have
left... unless they comped me all the pillow mint chocolates I could
handle, then we could at least talk about me staying. And then one of
the girls gets eatin' by the devil children... or does she? I don't
know as she appears in another scene later on just fine, but locked
up by Kathy Bates who has this thing about druggies (her son is one
and OD'd in the hotel long while back in the 90s). Sarah Paulson was
his dealer/fellow smack head.
In a secondary story, Wes Bentley's
detective studies the murder and torture of a cheating couple where
the man is glued into the woman mid-coitus and left to bleed with no
eyes or tongue while the woman is stabbed through the head. This,
coupled with the rape of one of the hotel guests using a metal drill
phallus and the disemboweling of two other guys seems to suggest this
season will be drawing heavily from David Finch's Seven (a
must see if you haven't already). Those deadly sins and commandments
will get you every time. Even the beginning credits have the list of
the ten commandments between such horrifying visions of people
bursting from things they shouldn't be inside of. He's got a daughter
and a wife but is going through some serious family strife which
ultimately leads him to stay at the hotel in room 64 where the
murderer says he'll strike next--seems pretty reasonable to me.
 |
| Courtesy Entertainment Weekly |
There's some stuff in there about never
leaving and having to feed something, but that was about it. Oh, and
they ended the show with the most appropriate song in history "Hotel
California" by the Eagles. I don't really know who these Eagles
are but they're totally going to blow up after this. I mean, they're
gonna be super famous, like maybe even legendary.
Was the first episode scary? It had a
few good moments in there, definitely better than Scream Queens over
on Fox. Has it lived up to Freak Show? Not yet, but there's plenty of
time. We'll see.
What do you think little monsters and
AHS long-standing fans out there? Did you love Lady Gaga about as
much as I did? Do you think she is a good actress? Do you already
miss Jessica Lange? And what the heck is up with not seeing Evan
Peters (the other longest tenured cast member) on the first episode?
What are your theories about what the heck is going on? My money's on
the gateway to hell/purgatory where wayward souls come to vacation
before either moving on or going back to haunt their old places, or a
grown-up version of Hotel Transylvania. Let's see, multitude
of Lady Gaga references, Seven reference, rapper Drake
reference, Simpsons reference, Nickelodeon reference, so-so
joke pretending that I don't know who the Eagles are--yeah, I pretty
much nailed this recap. Let me know what your theories in the
comments below.
As
always, check out my books on Amazon (if you’re looking for
Halloween scares check
#AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen).
For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check
out #TheWriter.
The final episode of season one of The Writer is OUT NOW. Ahh! That’s
right, all 15 episodes are out now available exclusively on Amazon.
And ladies, my comedy Yep,
I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend
is out today. Get it and laugh only on Amazon. Join us on Goodreads
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Until next time, “I want your lovin'
and I want your revenge. You and me could have a bad romance.”
P.S. How did they not use that song in
that gruesome foursome sex scene? I thought Gaga would permeate the
entire episode. Oh well. There's always next week.
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